Deflated

Is my motivation for work lately.
I am getting really impatient and am fucking cross with the management style.
Management!Fuck it! It's only a screwed up couple doing their thing so they can cont'd their LVs lifestyles.

My original plan was to offer them my 2 years or another half more of time.
Then I thought 2 years suffice.
Now I am seriously thinking to tender right at Feb and be able to resurface as a job seeker by Mar.
I have to play my chess right this time.


Seriously I am fedup. Very fedup!
I was so cross about the 'impromptu' meeting today. What's the point of meeting when your opinion doesnt matter and won't affect what your management's decision is?! And seriously what happen to the people here? Fucking mute!?Why am I the only one voicing one fucking wrong decision?

My patience is drawing up and I am in no mood to entertain them with my smiles and pretending to be engaged in the conversations. And I guess they are starting to read my signs which is just as well.


I HAVE to play it right this time and time is shorter on my side in moment of anticipation and planning.

Smooth Operator

This is the final weekend before another long and slow month.
The last few months of the year always seem to be more expensive than the others but somehow it makes people happy. Did it not occur to us that a new year is just a sleep away and not a period of break from 31st Dec?
Nonetheless Decemeber always makes me feel romantic.
Just the Christmas Jazz can spurs the whole romance mood up.
I really want a romantic Christmas.


Jason suggested we go Icekimo tonight and we did.
(Side note:I really wanna squeeze Vonx tight for recommending an ice-cream hang out.=D The whole place just smell of cream and yummelicous!)

And we didn't have dinner after that.
Jason was so poofed and he looks so old when he is tired.Haha..

Saw that girlfriend on the bus and like what the fuck?!
She walked towards my direction and I stared blankly at the really plain face(I swear that I am being objective. Really not pretty ok.)When I realised it's her, I even waved a small surprise hello.
All she can do was give me a tight grimace.
When she alighted, she dont even bother to look at me and grimace back.
I dont give a fuck about that but I thought you could at least be polite to your bf's friends and ex-course mates.

I even turned to greet goodbye to my boyfriend's brother's ex-girlfriend when we only met once or twice the other time.

The only reason I could figured for her hostility is that she can't stand me being pretty, prettier than her.
That's all.
xD


Nothing much tonight.
Here's the ice cream pictures. (Tiramisu, D24 Durian(HEAVEN!!) and Nutella)


Pss...D24 makes a sore throat feels better, really!

When you start withdrawing the motivation for work, doing what you are doing just seems 'unapetitable'.(no such word,I know)
And of cos' I felt that I lose the reason to be motivated for.
I have been thinking..quite a few concerns.I guess I am still biding.
Biding for a better time.

Sometimes your day just fuck up.
Today, it's severly fucked up.

Just dunno what the heck have I been doing all this while and why am I still doing it.

Sigh...Fuck.

I could sleep forever on a day like this

If my dad hadn't woke me up with 'massage'(which I wondered are my muscles sore or he's pressing my bones?),I really could be still sleeping.

No more sleep!Leave it to tonight and I think I would have difficulty doing that.

Yesterday after work, Jason and I met up.
P.s:He looks so nice yesterday.

We caught The Departed @ VivoCity-GV Max.
Personally I find neither as good as they make up to be.

Vivo City is almost just like another Marina Square, except bigger. It doesnt means a bigger store brings more varieties cos' it is still the same old stores.
And then Singapore's biggest cinemas?
Let's face it!GV has the crappiest seats other than Shaw.
No doubt spacious and the seats are soft but the posture is not good not comfy. Go and watch a movie at Lido (sit in the biggest theater and not just any other) or Cathay. That,I call good seats.
My kneecaps hurt when bend after the movie.

So about Leo.D, Matt D and the old' Jack.
I have not watch Wu Jian Dao/Infernal Affairs,block movie buster anot. I fancy lil' or not on such genres.
The movie concluded with everyone died.The black,the white and the grey.
I dunno how the Hongkong version ends but I thought it would be pretty draggy if everyone didnt die. So the Americans does well on that?Honestly,they are gonna make a second serial la.
Oh yea..and alot of Fucks were used.

Only thing I like is how Leonardo speaks like a half whimper when he was scared and desperate in the show. Since Titanic, Leo did make a difference from the past and leave it as that.(Although no longer princely,more rugged but still a long way to go)

Hmm..Nothing much I guess.
Trying my best not to sleep..not to sleep.

First movie @ Vivocity

A lil' rewinding before we go forward- UPDATED!

This might been faster if the uploading of photos yesternight didn't failed.
I was holding up to my eyelids,waiting for the Incredulous slow speed of the uploading of photos. Just for this entry and it is still making things difficult for me.

I woke up just a timing right for lunch today before slacking back to books.
I finally opened what I last have now - Life of Pi.
I spent the bulk of my day lazing in bed,trying to find a comfortable position while my body seemed to melted on it. And my lazy eyes conveniently skipped through a few lines at some pages.Too many words for a Sunday.
I have not think it as a better read than the last 2 books I read but it just keeps you going on.
A lil' like the show Castaway but perhaps more fiction-oust but perhaps more likable.(but is the real McCoy?)
Who would have thought being strained with animals from zoo and left good friend with a Tiger,Richard Parker?

I ended my day of reading at the part Richard Parker left.I felt a lil sad.

I remembered leaving the office last Friday feeling a lil' like a student's last day of the term and there is a long vacation ahead. That feeling lasted a lil' longer than 5 seconds before we all left work.Otherwise, Friday seemed pretty long and I was getting fidgety in my own seat.

After much last minute planning, we finally met each other at Jurong Pt.A worn up by work Yvonne, a very hungry Shaowei, a long time no see Ruiqiang and moi.
Afterwhich we headed to SIM(It's such a blessing to have at least a friend that drives!) for Yiyin.

Loads of craps were done along the way and the photos tell you how. Photos are not ready yet and I've got a feeling that yesterday's mishap is just about to take place again.
There it goes again!!! TMD!
><>GREAT!I'm experiencing troubles uploading the pics.I am sick of this nonsense and all the troubles I faced online today.Maybe the photos will be up on Tuesday.

We went to Geylang Serai near evening. I never really enjoyed my trip there all the time but bearing in mind that it is the 3rd time that I'm here with Jason makes me feel blessed.
I was there with him the 1st time when I had my first bite of Ramli Burger. Was amazed how such unhealthy,sick looking thing tasted that good.
I was there with him the 2nd time when I wanna have my second Ramli Burger.Had no idea if it's the one cooking it or it just didn't tasted that good.
I was there with him the 3rd time last Saturday and we didn't have any Ramli Burger cos' we had both eaten.

To be honest, it never was that fun going there. The crowd, the malays, the smoke, the sweat and the degree of temperature.
Recollecting back the feelings of going there over these 3 years, I wondered if something's lost or something's more.Perhaps the feeling of 'fun' and 'freshness' of the place is a lil' lesser but definitely something is more. ;)

A religious malay uncle whom I donated just a dollar to his funds sang for me.
"Shui Chang Lui~~"He knows how to sing in mandarin and has a pretty nice vocal. There was quite a bit of coversation between him and Jason in a language that's foreign to me-Melayu.

We headed to his grandpa's house at the end of the trip.
It is almost like 2nd family to me but again I admitted I wasnt always looking forward to meet his family as much as I love the cousins and all.
But lately Jason and I just ran outta places to go and that isn't a bad thing afterall.

My room reeks of pesticide now. Just now, a thing hit my arm. I was about to dismiss it when I thought something was wrong. A beetle couldnt have felt that heavy.To my horror, I saw Xiao qiang on my right. I fled outta my room to get the pesticide.
Whassup with flying cockroaches!I almost scream when it was under my bed when my brother get rid of it for me. I knew we had forgive each other by now but that's secondary now.
Stupid cockroaches!They should be the extinct species instead of dodo birds or many other animals.
My hair is still standing and I feel itchy now.
Gross!Hateful dirty black thing!

Tomorrow is our 39th +1 month together.
Too bad it ain't a holiday.
If only Deepavali falls on Sunday...

Please re-read this post after Monday.
The photos would be right below all these wordy wordy words.

-------------
As promised:

I decided to post only one good picture on last Friday's outing. Cos' the rest are pretty not sane and it doesn't really picture me. lol.
No,we ain't drunk.



Started off Saturday after the Bodyshop sale with:


Pretty long wait, you might add.

Cute pumpkins @ Raffles'Market Place.


Halloween may not be a local festive but still I would consider giving some candies to him if he knocks on my door.



By the way, how long has it been since you last stepped to the bottom of RafflesCity?
Go take a look, pretty much different and I like.


Any gal except sugar/fructose/lactose whatever allergic would die for this sight.Expecially Vonx that I know of.


I know you love us and I love us too.

Took a short break at Yoshinoya.




Jason was reading Tuesday with Morrie which I wondered if he covers Chap 2 by now?

I'm sorry if the pic seems bigger and bigger in size by now. I do not have a standard length and width to gauge what I'm resizing.

We stopby Raffles Hotel so Jason could use the Gents.
I wish my wedding is held there.I mean, I want my wedding to be held there..if possible.


Their toilets look so nice that I can't resist snapping it. I felt like a thief then with the camera flashing sound which was so audible in the enclosed area.

Look a difference that colours made.At least I think there is.
Nah.Just trying to be a lil' artistic.




As mentioned, we went to Geylang Serai.Nothing's unusual.


Didn't know I had a store there.
Blah~

Had wanted to take picture with the religious malay uncle whom sang Chinese but think it is not very religious.
Instead we took picture of ourselves.
So ta, our 3rd trip together.


Then we went to his Grandpa's house.

Have no idea if you could see the below pictures clearly cos' it was taken without the flash.And from my flat panel,they look pretty dark.

You might have seen the first two(from left) before,especially the angel in the centre.
Nonetheless that were his cousin(from left)-Candence, his cousin-Charmaine and his niece -Qiqi.

These are taken by the kids themselves,taking turns. I dunno what made me trust them with my precious T5 but again, I just want them to have fun.





The one I'm carrying was his other niece.Qiqi's sister who took after their father and completely different looking siblings they are.

If I have three gals and still look (only)this fat, I would die lucky and happy.



Gals love posing and admit it, they are both vain but rightfully so.

So much for the pictures.I would not wait longer for anymore loaded.

But I have to show you this.
Nothing but the result of flash which I forgot to turn off.
My first shot of myself on last Saturday which surprisingly,I like it.

It's a lil wrong but a lil right.Something's there I like but you not.
;)

Everyone's working hard

Especially for Vonx right now, do take good care. Hugs.

I am happy to have my family, my friends and Jason.(but of cos')
I am happy to have work, to my Fyn and at least colleagues who communicated well in terms of superficial level.
I am happy to have my memories and my efforts to remind myself of tomorrow.

2 of the small things in life that would make Mich a happy gal are:

a)Grocery shop
b)A hair cut.

Ps:Finally I acheived a classic Bob cut!

Am I glad that my parents are back?It felt so long since they were away and I really miss them!

Nothing much to update.Think I gonna go doodle something.

Thank God that the PSI dropped tremendously today!

A short story

There was a time when my name cards carried my mobile no.
Then I had this young psycho who is really proven lunatic on my back for quite sometime.

This evening, outta nowhere sprang this message from an unknown no.

Initially I thought one of my candidates (previously whom had my no) passed my contact.
Initially I thought he is really looking for job?
He introduced himself as Lin Hongda.(like who the heck I know he is.)

I told him if he is sincerely looking for a job, call my office no during office hours or I will sue him for harrassment.

Next he asked if we can be friends?

I almost ask him to fuck off and die.Instead I told him that I will make a report and asked him to wait for the police.

So he asked if I'm a male or female.

Feeling fedup, I replied this.

"Sebastian Wong.(I thought of all screwing names but I decided to use Sebastian cos' Hongda is too that handsome dude from NYP previously.And Wong cos' of Jason's sur.)Make my name, you lil' pussy. You are so in trouble for messing with me. Wait for the police tml."

And he dare not message anymore.

Somehow I have got this funny feeling that it is the same old creep,maybe just no change and use a fake name.Whoever that is, what a fucker!
I hate guys who got my no without permission.Even if someone got my no from a mutual party, please introduce yourself.
AND I am not interested in knowing any guys for anything beyond the line of friend.

Anyway you have difficulty breathing?
I thought my lungs are shrinking and I'm gonna suffocate on my way to work.

I tell myself, don't be afraid of the work tomorrow.

JIA YOU!!!!

Haze alert

Haze is really very bad today.I remembered it being worse than the last weekend.
If it's gonna stay this bad, why not go all the way so we can declared off from work?

FYI,I didn't go to work today.=p
Took an urgent day leave,feigning cramps and all. (and had nightmares. -_-)
You woke up every working morning with such thoughts and it's a matter of time you execute it now and then.

Each time I look outta the windows,I think the haze is getting worse,like my house with 2 wastrels.

Enough of words and all words.Bringing you some pictures took yesterday.

Initially he thought of springing me a surprise by going to an unknown place(to me).
While I was happily applying my mascara that yesterday, the word 'Vivo City' suddenly sprang to mind. Queer as it is, I know that's where exactly Jason wanted to bring me to.

I messaged him asking if it is what I thought and he was 'disappointed' how I thought of that. I didn't wanna go Vivocity yet cos' I heard there's not much there.

Still I went to his house and have our brunch at the coffeeshop. So much of cafes and aircon foodcourts, your regular kopitiam does wonder too.(except for their really weak Ice Milo and Ice Tea)

We walked around his neighbourhood before deciding where to head next.

Destination was Chinatown.The haze was bad and it was hot.
Still we had a gr8 time.

We went to this HK cafe for desserts.


Everything is kinda expensive despite looking normal to me.



Still Jason looks so funnily cute to me.



Then we entered this Teahouse which looks really Chinese and Zen.

Look at those displays.



Jason decided to make a wish there.


Infact who greeted us right when we entered was this wax figurine. Tea of Saint of Saint tea or something whom we shared the same surname(but different pronounciation).Lu Yu was his name.

Jason decided to play with his stuff.


Feeling we have met a star, we decided to take photographs with him.






More pictures could be taken before that auntie stopped us.
"Cuse me.Cannot take photographs here.This is a tea house.You sit down and drink tea, you can take photographs."

"You could drink tea here?"

"Yes.$8 per session."

"What kinda teas you have?"

"GLEEN tea(that's how she pronounced.), Jasmine tea,Pu Er,Black tea."

At the back of my head, I was thinking what the F?$8 for such common teas?I rather drink Jia Jia Liang Teh.

The rest of the date went common and we went home (mine) early than usual.

Sigh...Hazy Monday.Bad for health. Miss all of you.

Being indifferent of how my brothers treat me now is just like self denial. I guess it does no worse cos' I am never in good relationships with them for more than a week in a year.

If it couldn't get better, now can't get any worse too.

Was switching in between 3 channels(That's all I have). Watched Black Beauty and Crossroads.
I knew Black Beauty was the story about the black horse yet I never bother to read.
First I was never too fond of reading. The only story of those sort that I read was Heidi. Period.
Second a story about a horse was not at all enticing to a kid who doesnt read much then.

Black Beauty was alright.Plots revolving animals in the lead are always touching in their own way.

Then I chanced upon Britney Spears' Crossroads.
A typical teen chick flick that promotes more on Britney's songs than the story.
Let's just say that those kinda teen chick flick was so then and we no longer go Awww... over it.
The last I watched was either something by Mandy Moore (Not A Walk To Remember(that was so sad...), something after that one when Mandy Moore cropped her hair short) or something by Lindsay Lohan which I so regretted.

Then again I realised how boring I've become. A boring young adult.
Losing interest at what once fascinated us yet paying more attention to the materials that couldn't last us till another life.
It's not what once fascinated our young heart that becomes boring but rather the once young heart dulls.
I was always so happy to watch cartoons but now I can't laugh along the same old ones.

Try telling me that life's a phase and cycle and at different points, we need to see different things.
There is something that I beg to differ but right now I can't pinpoint what it is.
Maybe when we are dead, we will know it.

And maybe I read too much of Mitch Albom that I begin to look at death in a different light.
I used to fear and now still kinda fear that there is nothing after death.What if there is nothing,really nothing. Not a soul, no soul.
It's painful to think of that cos' we hold on to what we have now too dearly. Then such a muse that we never treasure things enough while we have it.
Try reminding yourself a hundred times or just one time a day, you still find yourself not being able to treasure what you have.
Not being thankful for the basics in life and not satisfy with the possessions earned.

Anyway maybe after death, there is really something.Something else that we won't know yet.

Hating someone doesn't bring you anyway. Especially when you know time is limited in this place we live, there is no point to hate someone or anyone. Thus even my relationship with my siblings ain't going anywhere and perhaps never will, I make it a point not to hate them. And I know they will be regretting when time's up for any of us.

I am not waiting for my own death nor anyone else. But the world news told me today that the world is collasping. Intense global warming and ice bergs melting. We are facing another break of ice age and still there are so many ignorant souls saving and spending for just another LV.

Primary concern is we are too influenced what's going on now and we will never learn till we are threatened.

I figured that by thinking so much is one of the reasons that I often feel that I am less happy than others.
I kinda refused to accept what the society is teaching us and yet I am not strong enough to withstand all that on my own. And when I realised I am following it, I feel unhappy.

I feel that I am doing something I don't like. I feel that I am facing loads of shit everyday.
And I wanna seek what will makes me happy but I am not brave enough to go on my own.Do I use my parents as my excuse of not doing it then?Maybe...

I changed my route to work lately.
I walk past 2 kindergartens daily and I am happy to see the children.
The innocence couldnt be bought and is something we had.

Something we had...Think about that.

What's new on a stay home Saturday.

Fyn & I swopped CD to rip the songs. Me, Step Sun's collections and her,her fav Jay.

I was not much of a Jay's fan nor anyone.
Was way past those "OMG...Mr XXX`~" gaga era. But I do like some of his songs.Just not the person.

And yes, Mi Si Xiang is different and I know why Vonx likes it.But I like his heavy rap R&B better.Search me.I like Ye De Di Qi Zhang best,maybe due to the music. Quite mystical,I like!Drifts me to my own world.

I struggled with my tired body for 3 weeks before I finally get a good sleep on a well deserved Saturday. It's only when I looked out my windows that I see the haze is still bad for today.

Woke up in time for brunch but I laid on my bed reading "The Five people you meet in Heaven" till it's 1.30pm.
Finished the book and that's it. My ten dollars a book read is over.

When I first saw "The Five people you meet in Hell", I swore I know nothing about Mitch Albom and the original 5 people in Heaven. I just thought the title sounds wickedly funny and $6 wasn't that much of asking.

I read that $6 book TWICE and still have not much idea what the whole story's gonna sell. I read more than that at the comments left by those whoever on the book covers and wondered what did I missed?

Till I read the original 5 people in Heaven, I realised that $6 read is craps!Quite low.
It likes many out there who thinks they are funny and try to outdo Harry Potter but coming up with alot of many others similar but low.
Nonetheless I did picked up a few useful but bad phrases.
But who gives that rat an armpit? ;)

5 people you meet in Heaven makes you think is Heaven like that. Do you only meet that 5 people who changed your life and is Heaven a place who makes you understand the emotions you went true in your time on Earth?
Still it's just a fiction that we must realised. Who knows where and what is Heaven?And who know if you will go there eventually? You won't see God, you know. You can only believe.

I proceeded to do all the houseworks,leaving up theirs.
I didn't wanna feed the ugly Stinky and Stinko and really their food is finished. But still I gave them one prawn and see them devoured hungrily and quite ugliy.I would give them more than just one but the house only left with 2. I save the other for their dinner, figuring animals need at least 2 meals like us.
But I won't wash them. Not my job!
If that two poor things stink to their own death, I let them know that they are responsible for it.
And no, I won't clean their room, iron or hung their clothes. I had enough of them and guys' shit!

I fought with the thought of claiming back the stuff I gave. Quite petty, you might say but I just can't get over how undeserved they are of my gifts.
But another part of me realised that these are useless to me even if I claim back. I won't use and won't feel happy anyhow. Infact I would realised it is pretty inflicting to self if I hold on to these. I may not be happy with them now but letting go might be a better choice.

Whoa~How about that?Sounds like someone got enlightenment and is growing up?
Oh Blah~A life's deviod of emotions,good or bad, is quite alien.It's not possible to give them up but it is possible to grow up.

I think my hair's getting a lil' longer. A few days back, my urge of going to a salon hitted me again. It's a every month thing. I said last month when I had my haircut, that I would stay outta there for 3 months.
Today marks my first month. See if I can make it through this month.

My friends haunted me with the ugly me when I had long hair. Would I still be that ugly if my hair grows long again??I had years of short hair and suddenly miss having my neck covered.

You know those instant soups in markets?They are really stomach filling. But remind me next time that I don't exactly fancy French loaf and chicken soup. Chicken soup makes me nauseated after a while and I never like the tough french loaf. Gotta finish them no matter what.They are my money and it beats having nothing to eat.


Maybe I shall cont'd again..

Do you remember...

I can show you the world

Shining, shimmering, splendid

Tell me, princess, now when did You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes

Take you wonder by wonder

Over, sideways and under

On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world

A new fantastic point of view

No one to tell us no

Or where to go

Or say we're only dreaming

...
Lazy to copy the whole lyrics over.Anyway that's A Whole New World, Disney's Alladin soundtrack.

I remembered that Alladin was quite entertaining and cute but somehow I don't think that Princess Jasmine qualify much as those fairytale princesses.

A whole new world?Wouldn't it be romantic if a guy bring you to a whole new (NICE) world, away from this full of craps place?
Wouldn't it be even better if you have a genie that grants you wishes cos' you save his misery?Of cos' wish for his freedom then.

Alladin 2 was craps.Dun rem' if I watched the full of it or read the cartoon story but I remembered it being less nice.
Can you imagine Cinderella 2, Mermaid 2,Snow White 2 etc?
The sequel always fail to make cartoons a success. Thus' explain Sitch!It didn't even make it to the screen.
(No, I never watch Sitch 1.)

Why am I talking about cartoons?

Back to my previous post, I forgot to conclude that I have a very determined thinking developed since having brothers.

If my boy/girl and/or husband never bother to do their own share, I will personally withdraw all my savings and live in Hilton forever. (If I can even survive a week there.)

I can't stand leaving the house a hole either but I am so fedup to do their share of work. I wont mind if they bother to help up once in a while or so, but fucking no. That's it.
Why should I give a fuck?

I contemplate seriously if I should just get back that mp3 I gave my brother.Honestly I dont want it back but the thought that he didn't deserves that at all makes me think.
Maybe if he provokes me one more time, I will take back everything I gave.

A few days back, I was thinking of posting this.
(I could have separate this into 2 posts so it's easier to read but heck, I'm lazy)

A Past Noun

By saying this, it might not have make me different from a certain girlfriend of a ex-good guy friend.
I hate to call him a ex-good friend cos' he is a dear friend but again since he got attached, the drift drifted further and further as time pass.

But again I am pretty sure that I wasn't as petty as her or anything close.
I was merely overwhelmed by unspeakeable curiousity and of cos' some undeniable uncomfortable-ness.(Dunno what am I spelling)

Jason has alot of ex-girlfriends but there is only one that he was having deep feelings for that doesnt works up anyway.
And that so happened was a secondary schoolmate. I never know her even though we were in the same ECA for the first 2 years.I never care about her existence like noone cares for mine too.

When Jason told me about her from the start, I felt indifferent. But as Jason's importance grows in me, I felt more and more mindful about her.

I am curious about her, about his feelings for her and about the times they shared.
It's like she was there all along in my past and yet I only know about her existence till Jason in mine.

I did asked Jason a few times (only in our 3 over years of relationship)about her cos' I want him to tell me.
What makes her so attractive? Is she better than me et cetera.
And what made me sad was he looked so upset when I last asked about it. He just tell me not to ask anymore and don't bring the memories back.
I felt sorry yet I was sad then.

It sounds stupid and it is stupid. I don't even bother about his last ex-girlfriend yet I am mindful about a relationship that never blooms.

I guess I should explain how I am different from that certain girlfriend.
I dont dislike or literally hate her existence.
I understand.

Infact I do understand. I understand if Jason could never forget her or that feelings he used to have for her. I am not looking forward to replace that feelings.
Everyone has a past noun,one at least.

For me, I would never want to forget the ones that I really harboured deep feelings for in the past. Call it crush but it was no passing crush.
I never forget them.Hmph..only 2 lah.
If I ever see them again, I think my heart would still skip a beat or still tear.But it doesnt mean that Jason is any less special.Jason is just different.

So if Jason couldn't forget her, I won't feel angry. I can understand that.
But the more he doesnt want to talk about it, the more insecure I feel.
I wish I am the one instead. I wish for a hundred times and more that I could turn back them and meet him together with her, so I know who he would choose.
Does it matter then?
Foolishly I know it doesn't but I still cant help wishing so.

And then I become kinda jealous of her.
It wouldnt be like this if I dunno her at all.Thus I could kinda understand that girlfriend's feelings but again we are standing at different angles.I wont support her anyway. Try differentiating objective from feelings.

Till Monday when Jason came over to my house to fix the comp, we talked about her. I was shy and scared at the same time when I wanna him to tell me. So I tried hinting and hinting subtlety.
I guess he was feigning along till he finally "realised" I only wanna hear about her,not any of his ex girlfriends.

He seemed more comfortable. He even said that he don't even think what he had for her was anything deep as compared to what he has for me. We laughed along and I looked at him paying great attention. Surprisingly no pangs of jealousy whacks me when he was talking about her.
The whole conversation was comfortable. Ironically it seemed to me that that's what I want to hear.

I guess talking about this any sooner won't necessary improve or salvage anything. At this point of our relationship, I guess it onlydoes better.

I won't say that Jason would forget her. I won't want that also.I wanna be fair. If I don't want others or Jason to want me to forget someone I loved, then I shouldnt ask for the same.
Like do unto others like blah blah blah.

Nonetheless it feels alot better anyway.

=)

The horrors, the horrors!

Long time no blog(certainly seemed like a long time for me) and no thanks to my pair of fucking useless brothers. So fucking shame to call them my brothers. I rather call that stray pussy brother!

To start off, I am so gonna F my way through.
Apologies if it's rude to your eyes but if I don't vent it out, I think I'm gonna constipate and die.

Reason being I haven't been blogging these few days and not sending the due photos to that group of narcissists(lol) is my brother(s) (Either or both of them) kinda spoilt my computer. Intentional or not, I don't give a damn now. Even though it wasn't spoil, I am fucking cross.
It could have meant that millions of precious photos are gone!

My parents are away and I am so fucking mad that they never chipped in a fucking bit to the house chores.
For the first one or two days, maybe. But fucking no now.

They are waiting for someone to fold and hang their laudry.
They are waiting for someone to buy the bread and jam.
They are waiting for someone to wash the cups and plates.
They are waiting for someone to iron their clothers and put it back to the respective places.
They are waiting for someone to empty the rubbish.
They are waiting for someone to sweep and mop the floor.
They are waiting for someone to FLUSH THEIR FUCKING URINE!!

I was so fucking mad when I reached home and saw all of that have to be done!
I literally curse them to fuck off and die.
I wish a lizard would shit on their fucking asses and let them rot.
I wish thier bodies would decay and fingers and toes would drop off one by one.

No, really.
I have not wish for their pain and death.
That wouldnt make me happy but more sad.
But I was really angry, infact really AM.

So I still did the laundry.
I hung the clothes and leave out theirs. Whether they wanna hung them or leave it till mushrooms pop out from there, I fucking don't care.
I fold,iron the clothes and leave out theirs. I wish they would just pour oil and set fire on it.
I sweep and mop the house and leave out their room. I hope all the cockroaches and mosquitoes will feast on them every night.

So I see that they decided to buy their own laptop and printer even cos' they know I will never ever let them use mine again. Hey, fucking good job! I wish you realised you both can't afford it for long and the pc crash very sooner than anyone expects.

I seriously have no idea how we are related.
It must be the way we are bred and our inborn characters.
Honestly I always kinda lamented this: I thought how fucking useless my brothers are, is partly due to my mum.
I don't mean that she loves them more than me but she does protects them.
You could tell since the last incident when the big fucker was in UK.
You could tell how it was when the lil fucker had everything serve till now.
I can't get over how unfair it is.
She would always said that I shouldn't draw the lines too clear and how she being the sister of many, was never like me.

Yes, I developed the habit of drawing the lines in the family. Or rather she thought I am so.
Whenever I asked who ate the stuff I bought, who took my things, I never meant it as dividing what's mine or not. But I wasn't surprised that it sounded so.

But now why should I not.
I tell ya, when they are back, she is so gonna nag and said the same old things.
If she isn't the woman I respect and love, I would probably ask the person to fuck off.

No, I never have the intentions of saying that to my mother. I may not know how to express my love but she knows I try hard.

Feeling all the disgustness for them now, I kinda regret for feeling regretted that I never treated them well enough. I tried in compensating anything that I could to let them know I love them too.
Now I so fucking regret that I wasted that kinda money for that creative MP3, jacket and many more.
I gave them the things I dont even have myself.

Let's face it. We are no longer what we used to be, playing together and laugh.
They are now just addicted asses to PS2 and that big fucker, porn too.
I am so disgusted that my brother IS a JESUS lover to the outside world. Or at least that is how he protrayed himself to be.
I could have expose that to my parents but I let him to pretend on.
How fucking hypocritical he is!

Y'know, saying all these doesnt makes me feel better.
If I don't feel better, why I even bother?
I guess I care.
I am so envious of Von who share such a dear relationship with her brothers.

I feel so alone sometimes.
I dont know how to express myself enough. I dont know how to not cope with things alone sometimes. I don't know how to laugh and feel attached with my family as much I really want to.
Sometimes I just feel so fucked up.

And you know what?
I dont know what am I complaining here for the past one hour or so.
Think I'm gonna shite!

Being one of those grains of sand

I get blown all around the world

And what I make of it

Oh I dont know

Whats the meaning of it

Oh I dont know

Ive been around so many times

That the worlds turning in my mind

What do I think of it

Oh its so so

What more can you be than the things they say youve been

Say you love me all around the world

Stay and hug me all around the world

Be yours a boy or be mine a girl

Just say you love me

Just say you love me

I never ever realised

Its so easy to make you cry

But did I break a bit

Oh I hope no

Have you forgot about it

Oh I hope so

But you never ever wonder why

In every single pair of eyes

There is a hunger in it

Or its soul dies

What more can you be than the things they say youve been

Say you love me all around the world

Stay and hug me all around the world

Be yours a boy or be mine a girl

Say you love me all around the world

Stay and hug me all around the world

Be yours a boy or be mine a girl

Just say you love me

Come on now darling say you love me

Oh yeah please please say you love me

Come on say you love me

-Simply Red "Say You Love Me"

Honestly I'm kinda losing the inspiration to blog something good,at least decent.
Been reading my own archives, wonder where did I find the energy to write so long every now and then.
Am I losing interest?Am I discoloured?

Reading along, I realised how different I've become in some ways. (No,kidding..I didn't really realised that except I'm older.)

Cheng Cheng popped by a surprise visit during the last 30 minutes of work.
She looked happier, am glad for her.

Such are relationships. If you leave 'them' untouched for a while, you will find the awkardness in between the loss of words.
The only thing left are yesterday's laughters and tears.
Sigh.

Well..at least, we were once there.
Goodbye and good luck.

So deal,Tracy will be back to resume her work tomorrow. Half joy and not for me.
I guess it is how my work should be. The busyness and craziness.
*Shrug*

That's it. My parents are flying early next morning and I have to bear with this house and 2 brothers till their return on the 18th.

To my dear friends. Please take good care of yourself cos' the weather has been bad.
I have people coughing, feeling giddy etc and it was due to haze?
Whatever that is, stay strong.

And dear Eve,if ya reading this...PLEASE take good care of yourself,ok?
I care too.
We shall meet anytime at your convenience.

Guess I shall take this period of time to catch up with whatever that I need to do at home since I probably will commute less than 10 sentences a day at home.

Chaotic Monday

Mental note #1. Never attempt to dress all black or almost all to work. Think it brings nothing but bad luck. Monday morning was so chaotic and lack of help that I wanna run away and fly off to Spain. (whatever for.)

I can't believe Mum is joining Dad together on the Hainan's trip. (Dad 'hates' it so much. He so wanted to go alone.)
That means bad news for me. Housework and loneliness. And no dinner. The housework part is the WORST ever. I cant deny that I'm pampered in that way(not that I never do housework) but I dont really have to worry about that when I'm working. Not only I have to do my own share of housework but also the whole house's deal and then my brothers' shares! And they will spend no time in chipping abit.
Stinky and Stinko gonna stink themselves to death!And who the heck is gonna feed them with meat?There will be no MEAT at all during my parent's absence. No, I won't cook!

The only good news perhaps is I can take this chance to jump on diet and try shedding a kilo or half.
That's it.
Sigh..

I realised that so many people are getting married.
I guess it is only normal for gals of my age to dream of marraige(and with so many already taken the steps to) now and then.

My wedding song is so gonna be,"It never happened before." Not exactly the nicest or the most right one but when I first heard it, I just knew it's gonna be that!

Hehe.

Private Content

edJason was so sexy just now.
He likes kissing my neck(I think) and I am just especially ticklish over there.
He just said this," Can I kiss your neck tonight?", "Can I kiss your neck forever?"
It was like a initimate, romantic drop out line from those ang-moh movies and he sounded exactly like those!

Gee...I told you, I melted that very moment.

=p

"Now I'm sure...This never happened before."